For as long as I remember, I have attempted to be liked and praised by others, especially the elders. I have always wanted to be regarded as the prototypical daughter: one who did well in studies and extra–curricular activities, was well mannered and disciplined. To a large extent I have always achieved it. I have done well throughout school, cleared tough exams, completed dental school and performed well in music and sports.
That should be all good, right? Well in a way yes, it always pushed me to try harder. Conversely, it tied my identity to external expectations and validations. I had come to associate the amount of education with intellect. I believed that intelligent people studied more or that the more one studied the more intelligent they were. A sense of pride and entitlement had overcome me.
A certain turn of events, thankfully, rid me of this hubris. Post marriage, I moved to the USA with my husband on H4 or dependent visa status. A new phase of life, new country and a new status challenged me to take on a new role as a home maker. This was quite a challenge for me. Most women my age and qualification were ‘working’ women who drew hefty salaries and held important portfolios. As a ‘dependent’ house wife, I had no external markers of job or salary to base my identity on. I underwent an identity crisis. This was a wakeup call which propelled me to begin seeking inner validations: the ones that don’t show on report cards and resumes.
At first I experienced severe pangs of what is it that I was doing as a mere house wife. There was a constant FoMo, ‘Fear of missing out’. FoMo is self-regulatory state which arises from situational or long-term lack of psychological need satisfaction, 1 in my case the need was to be gainfully employed and respected for the same. Gradually though, with the help of my husband, I started easing into the role and began enjoying the new place. Kitchen was my new experimental laboratory. Getting recipes right gave me a lot of joy. I learnt to drive and visited a whole lot of wonderful places with my husband. I joined two meet up groups: one was a H4 support group and the other was toastmasters - a public speaking forum. At the H4 support group I met wonderful ladies of different nationalities all of who were sailing in the same boat as me. It was fun to be able to try out several different cuisines and hobbies with them. At toastmasters I took on my fear of public speaking. I even volunteered with a few organizations. The ample free time allowed me to take advantage of the wonderfully well stocked library and try out different courses on free online sites like Coursera.
All the above experiences helped me gain a whole new perspective. Meeting people from different nationalities, careers and backgrounds busted a lot of my prejudices. I came to acknowledge that intelligent people could belong to every sphere. Home makers, teachers, HRs, many a times were lot more creative and divergent in their problem solving approach than doctors or engineers. Often times, the best ‘optimizers’ were not programmers or project managers but house wives ;) There really was no correlation between educational degrees and intelligence. This was a very humbling realization. Interacting with people from different countries gave me a snippet into their cultures and problems. It made me more grateful than ever for being an Indian and having been brought up on strong family values and traditions. It taught me to be more perceptive and to think on my own. To set my own goals and not simply do what was expected of me. It is a lot tougher to set one’s own targets than to complete a given task or take orders. Goal setting requires a lot more discipline and introspection. I still have a long way to go in finding my inner locus. I am glad I was able to start this journey, albeit a little late. I now truly believe in Buddha’s saying “Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it, a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it.”
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